First Star, Worst Star: November 30, 2014

Updated: January 11, 2018 at 3:24 am by jeanshorts

gold star

It’s Sunday, it’s colder than something that is, like, INCREDIBLY cold outside, and you can’t watch football ALL day, so why not hunker down in your favorite footy pyjamas and take a gander at this week’s First Star, Worst Star!

FIRST STAR


The Millenium Man Martin St. Louis. I know his story has been talked about ad nasueum, but how can you not love that little ragamuffin? All of 3 feet tall. No team even wanted to take a flyer on him at the draft. And then he just decided to go out and win basically every accolade there is to win. Hart trophy, Lady Byng, Art Ross, Lester B. Pearson, a Cup, an Olympic gold medal. And at 39 years of age he shows no signs of slowing down at all. He’s on pace for 70 points this season! The Oilers aren’t even going to come close to getting that many in the standings! 

He’s going to join guys like Teemu and Jagr who played well into their 60’s, and he’s going to find a way to outlive us all. At this rate Marty St. Louis is going to retire before the Oilers ever make the playoffs again. And he’ll single handedly outscore the entire Oilers defensive core throughout that entire span as well. IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME I CAN’T WAIT! 

WORST STAR

playoffs

The Edmonton Oilers inability to ever win a game against a Western Conference team. 

How is this even possible? Like they can’t even bank one in off someone’s face and steal a one goal win? They have to lose EVERY game? I’m not even mad anymore, this is astonishing! It’s like watching a shuttle explosion: everything about it is horrifying but you can’t stop watching in stunned amazement. 

Can you imagine if they somehow accomplished this same feat in the lockout half-year? And they didn’t win a single game the entire season? That’s what this feels like at this point. 

The NHL does that stupid thing where it doesn’t count an OT loss as a “loss” so they still have a long way to go tie the NHL record with 17 straight losses, but we all know they’ve lost 9 in a row, meaning they’re only 8 losses away! I have complete faith that if any team could smash the record for futility in a season, it’s this Oilers squad! Lead us to the promise land Dallas! You’re our only hope! 

THIS WEEK IN VIOLENCE AGAINST OFFICIALS


Way to take a punch, stripes!